Perhaps the beginning was too much of a sign. I still remember walking down the avenue with bemused embarrassment on my face. Flowers was the establishment where it publicly began in a conversation that seemed to deny what was to come. University kids were bustling down the street as I gazed over my shoulder to see who was looking. Driving home in the rain, the fog that covered the windshield was insurmountable. You left me dazed and warm with my seatbelt undone at the wheel. I watched your silhouette fade into the rain drenched sidewalk like an apparition before making the ride home alone.
A few months later, we were patching walls as regretful music emanated from the stereo. It was as if I knew already that our union was doomed to fail. The dust upon my face in the mirror revealed an unspoken sadness that was positively manifested at such an early stage. Our lungs were full of love, but were ultimately clouded by the fumes that ravaged our slow breathing. I guess the chemicals assisted in prolonging a a damaged companionship. We almost made it in the end, but my male shortcomings had already determined that friendship was not enough.
Then there was that late night in spring where we walked a million miles around the green lake and back. We ended up at a bar where some kind of brawl broke out. We struggled home and fought the fight of our lives over what, I forget. It seemed like the end had arrived. You were so intoxicated that your eyes did not look straight into mine. I clung to some kind of repair mechanism, the kind that I cannot cling to anymore. In the morning, it was over and recovery came in a wave of relief.
There were trips over the ocean and back. There were thoughtful gifts on and off of occasions. No matter what we said or how we tried to spoil each other, the signs were there from the beginning. You were ten years older. The spark in my eye could not be forced. You were clothed like a homeless vet despite your vocation. And although I tried as much as I could, I did not possess the necessary attraction to seal a full commitment. Although not officially married, we made an impressive run. That day when the sky fell down will never cease to fill me with regret even though the cracks were visible from the onset.
As we ponder this collapse from miles away, the result is the same. There is animosity, gut-wrenching pain and remorse. We both feel the grenade exploding in our stomachs. Virtue has been eliminated. My love for you has been disqualified. In the back of my mind, I pondered marriage and dawn and eternity until the inevitable customer fell into my lap. All of my doubts and fears were sealed in that moment. The fatal flaw had just been proven to be too real to overcome. Attraction or lack thereof became a wall too steep to scale.
It is possible that the clearing will bring us both to a better place. The clock of youth has stopped ticking. The alarm of purity has come to a full stop. This great stock market crash has created a tower of uncertainty. Although your voice is still here in my heart and your love will continue to travel through my blood, I now know that there is no space for us to return to. What remains is damage, a battlefield where the wounded and maimed lie without crutches. It may be for the best, but this excruciating sickness is all that I can now feel.
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